Community Update (12/1/2023)

Wellness

Coping With The Holidays after the Loss of a Loved One

The holiday season is upon us! Everywhere around us the decorations are going up, the stores are all having holiday sales, and people are becoming cheerful. But this can be difficult when one has just lost a loving partner, sibling, child or friend. At times the joyfulness can seem overwhelming, and triggers all our memories that can be painful at holiday times. How does one cope, without spreading grief during times when others are so happy?

There are some reliable coping mechanisms to help get us through this time. An article in the Washington Post (Nov. 21) lends some helpful, and for me, very timely suggestions on “Navigating the holidays after the death of a loved one.”

I recently lost a dear friend, to a sudden, unanticipated, and punishing neurological illness. This seemed to come out of nowhere, is extremely rare, and within a month had taken my younger and otherwise very healthy friend from this earth. As he was a well-known journalist and Arlington historian, his circle of friends and acquaintances was wide, and the grief profound. As grief does, mine came in waves, without warning, and I had to miss several holiday occasions to deal with my grief.

Steven Petrow in the Post article speaks of “firsts” that mourners experience; the first (of each) holiday without the loved one, the proverbial empty chair at the feast table. He cites Mary-Frances O’Connor, a psychology researcher who wrote the book “The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love and Loss.”  O’Connor points out that, because our bonds and rituals with loved ones are deeply encoded in our brains, that when these change or are no longer there, the harsh reality triggers grief, pain, and suffering. Our internal map of the world no longer matches up with the world itself. So, every plan has a hole in it.

What to do? One way is to carry on with the holiday rituals in the same way, as keeping to tradition can be comforting. Coming together again, perhaps also to spread the ashes, keeps mourners connected. Another way is to completely change the traditions, such as going away for the holiday to grieve on your own terms without worrying about the reactions of others.

But, while preferring not to celebrate is normal, having one or more others around you for support is essential. Petrow has assembled some helpful suggestions for actions, shared here:

• Do something in memory of your loved one, such as go on a walk after a big family meal, or play a game the loved one enjoyed. Or try a new game that the loved one would have enjoyed.
• Buy a gift in honor of the deceased and donate it to a favorite nonprofit group.
• Watch a favorite movie together with a friend or family member that the deceased enjoyed.
• Tell others what you need, such as a hug, a break, a good cry. Remember no one reads minds.
• Find some joy, such as in the foods we eat, the hugs you give and get, and our memories.

I have found that one action that truly helps to heal is to talk about the loved one. Telling stories and especially humorous tales evokes all the emotions, including sadness but more often appreciation of time spent with the deceased. Nothing can take away the memories of all of the experiences you had together, nor the love you shared. This also brings friends and loved ones into a healing circle, and reinforces the positive impact of having had your loved one in your life.

I wish you all peace during your “firsts” and each year of facing the holidays without your loved one. 

–Joan Smith

COVID Annual Vaccination

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• Get seriously ill, need hospital care, or die from COVID-19
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• Spread the disease to others, putting their health and lives at risk.

Learn more about COVID-19 and the updated vaccines from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.